Without Regrets
by Mizuiro no Yume
Summary: Sakuma wants to try to find some truths about Miyoshi while he still has the chance to do so.


**Without Regrets**

Knowing what Miyoshi's thinking is, perhaps, impossible.

Sakuma has spent enough time observing him to be sure of that, although he also believes that some of what Miyoshi lets other people know is real.

His confidence, for one, is undoubtedly as genuine as Fukumoto's fondness for cooking, just like his pride. He's curious, too, and he shows it in the way he smiles, pleased, when he uncovers something.

None of that's enough to give Sakuma the whole picture of who Miyoshi is, but it's enough to make him feel like he _knows_ him. Not like he knows his peers in the army, or his friends outside it, but there's some solace in being able to catch glimpses of the person behind the mask.

Though mask is the wrong word to describe what Miyoshi displays to the world.

Miyoshi's a perfect actor, who seems so sincere in each of his expressions and actions that no one can be sure where the act starts or if it stops being an act at some point. Everything he does looks natural, and yet more eye-catching than the actions of any spy should be.

And maybe that's what attracts Sakuma; knowing that each gesture is careful crafted just makes him want to discover the why behind it, specially when there doesn't seem to be a reason to keep appearances.

Like now. Miyoshi's smoking in silence after leaving aside the book he had been reading earlier, and acting as if he doesn't mind Sakuma's presence.

He's relaxed, but the way he's sitting on his chair makes him look dignified, and although he seems lost in his own thoughts, Sakuma knows Miyoshi's watching him.

Why? Does he suspect something?

That's possible.

After all Sakuma doesn't accept Miyoshi's company everyday, neither does he normally choose to smoke in the room used for playing Joker Game instead of going outside and resting, at least for a while, from the atmosphere in D-Agency.

That's probably what caught Miyoshi's curiosity minutes ago. And Sakuma's glad he can seize his attention, even if it's only for a little while.

Maybe he has caught some of the spies' pride and he's starting to enjoy being recognized by them, but mostly he's relieved. Because if he is the only one who cares...

Sakuma doesn't allow himself to finish that thought, choosing instead to take a drag of his cigarette and he relaxes with a sigh, something he regrets immediately after.

Being obvious is not what he wants, though he knows that hiding anything from Miyoshi is pointless. And not having more time to get ready for this conversation, thanks to that slip, makes him feel tired; but he knows well that he may not have another chance like this, so he just pushes forward before someone interrupts them or he changes his mind.

"I'm being transferred."

Miyoshi doesn't acknowledge his words. He just keeps smoking and doesn't look in his direction.

"You really have nothing to say?"

Not keeping his calm has been his downfall over and over again since he arrived to D-Agency, and now he may be repeating the same mistake again.

He can't help it, though. He chose to tell Miyoshi instead of saying goodbye in a few days, although it probably is unnecessary —they're spies, they discover truths for work, and for fun just because they can, and it's not like Sakuma's situation is a top secret anyway— and Miyoshi just...

"It's not surprising," answers Miyoshi with indifference, still not looking at him. "Most dogs get punished if they bit their master."

The mockery makes Sakuma seethe. Was expecting even one ounce of respect before he leaves too much?

The answer is obviously _yes_.

"So that's all you think I am."

This time Miyoshi laughs quietly, and Sakuma's finally rewarded with his attention. Miyoshi's eyes are bright, his stare is intense and his smile... isn't mocking.

"If I did, Sakuma-san, I wouldn't offer you another smoke."

Miyoshi does as he says and it's only belatedly that Sakuma realizes that his own cigarette is almost consumed, forgotten as it is between his fingers. And the box inside his pocket is empty, something Miyoshi probably noticed long before this.

Making an effort to keep his face as inexpressive as possible, Sakuma accepts the offered cigarette —a peace offering of sorts, maybe— and lights it on his own, unwilling to accept more from Miyoshi.

"You knew how I'd end."

"No, I don't think even Yuuki-san did."

"And I'm supposed to believe you?"

"That's your choice. But I'm assuming you've a reason to tell me this."

"I... "

He can't leave like he arrived, giving them just the mandatory explanation and carrying on like he barely tolerates them.

Because that would be a lie.

Sakuma can't say he likes any of them after a year as the liaison between D-Agency and the General Staff Headquarters, but he does... respect them may not be the right expression, but it's close enough.

And then there is Miyoshi, who has managed to shake Sakuma to the core far too many times. Sakuma has never been able to ignore him before, and now Sakuma even wants to try to find some truths while he still has the chance to do so.

"I need to know," says Sakuma at last. There's no point in beating around the bush with someone like Miyoshi, who wouldn't make things easier for Sakuma. No, he always makes everything harder just because he _can_ and turns a simple conversation into an exhausting mental exercise.

And it's not that Sakuma fears the challenge, but he doesn't have much time now nor he wants to leave with so many doubts in his mind.

"What, exactly?"

"Did you believe I'd realize where was the evidence against Gordon?"

"It was a possibility."

"And if I hadn't..."

"What's the point in asking something when you already know the answer?"

Although Sakuma had expected a reply not as forthright as his own question, as well as having to insist before confirming anything, he hadn't expected such an abrupt interruption. It's unlike Miyoshi's usual smoothness, albeit his tone is not particularly biting and his face is inexpressive.

 _Too_ inexpressive, in fact. It's almost unnatural after such display of impatience. And he's staring at Sakuma.

Why?

Hoping he has as much an effect as Miyoshi has on him would be foolish. It's more likely that Miyoshi's just annoyed after hearing something he considers a stupid question.

After all _don't die, don't kill_ is the main rule in D-Agency, and none of them would choose to accept a casualty no matter what the circumstances were.

But Miyoshi's still there, giving him another chance that may or may not be the last one.

As much as Sakuma's starting to wish he had a drink, he doesn't stand up to get one. That'd feel too much like a temporal retreat and he doesn't want to give Miyoshi any reason to look down on him right now.

"Fine," snorts Sakuma, glaring at him. "After that, you didn't need to tell me anything."

"And I didn't."

"You gave me a push to the right direction."

This time, Miyoshi's lips quirk upward, and he even moves on his chair, leaning just slightly over the table to show his interest without seeming slouched.

"Who'd have thought you would actually do something, Sakuma-san." Miyoshi's amusement is, for once, not mocking.

Sakuma's breath catches.

"You did," remarks Sakuma just because he needs a moment to recover and remember everything he wants to say. After a few seconds and a new drag of his smoke, he manages to speak again, keeping his tone even. "But I can't stay. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not."

The silence that follows his words is not that long, but it's unnatural and alerts him before he notices that Miyoshi's brightness is gone, replaced by an uneasy stillness that indicates Miyoshi just discovered something new and unexpected by reading between the lines.

"That much is evident."

This is no what Sakuma had expected.

He has learnt that everything said and done in D-Agency has a meaning, and that only important facts are communicated as such when it's necessary. That the Lieutenant Colonel had mentioned Miyoshi being impressed with him before inviting Sakuma to take their training had seemed to implicate the _why_ behind the offer, but now Sakuma's sure Miyoshi had nothing to do with that.

No, Miyoshi hadn't known Sakuma had been given the option of staying.

"You didn't know."

Miyoshi shrugs nonchalantly, but that's not enough to convince Sakuma. Just a few seconds ago, Miyoshi had been honestly surprised, and now he may be annoyed at not knowing or not even having suspected something before.

"It seems Yuuki-san is willing make some exceptions."

"I see..."

There's an implication there that seems to not be just about Sakuma, but he can't grasp it, distracted as he's after discovering Miyoshi had nothing to do with Lieutenant Colonel Yuuki's offer. It's unexpected, and disappointing...

"Expectations are usually a mistake." Miyoshi's smile is back, though this time is almost a smirk.

"I know that." Being read so easily never fails to make Sakuma uncomfortable and he scowls, but that only seems to improve Miyoshi's mood.

"Do you?"

"Are you mocking me?" Not being able to be sure of the intention behind Miyoshi's words is frustrating.

Sakuma puts out what is left of his cigarette, just because he wants to do anything before he does something as stupid as slamming his fists on the table. That'd only make Miyoshi look down on him again, after all.

"On the contrary," the laugh that accompanies those words contradicts them, but Miyoshi continues talking before Sakuma can display his anger. "You seem to be capable of learning."

Only Miyoshi can offend and compliment in the same breath, leaving Sakuma confused and grasping for something to say before the silence gives away how much Miyoshi affects him.

"Everyone is."

"No, not really. I can see why Yuuki-san offered you a chance." Miyoshi's tone is quiet and it makes his words sound like a sincere confession.

It's probably foolish to think like that, but Sakuma can't help it and before he knows it, he's breathing with ease and admitting something himself.

"I'm not a spy."

"I'm aware of that."

"But I... thought about it."

He doesn't regret turning down Lieutenant Colonel Yuuki's offer and he isn't having second thoughts now that he knows he'll leave soon, but it's only his own certainty that he's a soldier through and through that allows him to be at ease with his own decision.

It's a fact —a shameful one that he can't admit easily— that he can't see all the men in D-Agency as despicable cowards anymore. He's also proud of being acknowledged by D-Agency's leader, and that has made him wonder if he really can stand on even ground with all of them...

"And what are you expecting to hear?"

"Didn't you say expecting anything is a mistake?" replies Sakuma. It's too late to regret telling Miyoshi any of this.

Miyoshi looks thoughtful for a while, and then he shakes his head.

"I can't tell you whether you're taking the right choice or not."

Sakuma isn't even looking for such thing; but if he keeps everything to himself he'd regret.

"I know."

Miyoshi isn't a peer he can share his duty with or make promises to about meeting again after death. They'll probably won't meet again alive either, and Sakuma's not a fool who believes he can trust Miyoshi completely, and yet...

"You've changed," asserts Miyoshi, putting out his own cigarette and looking at Sakuma as if he is reevaluating him from scratch.

"Or maybe you don't know me."

"Of course, that's a possibility." Miyoshi's smile this time is amused. And he doesn't look like he's about to leave, tired with the conversation...

The lack of excuses for them still being there doesn't make Sakuma anxious, but instead makes him bold, reaching for one more thing he'd regret if he doesn't find the answer to before leaving.

"Did you..."

"Want to?" Miyoshi finishes his question for him, eyes burning. "Do you want me to, Sakuma-san?"

Can he take those words at face value or is this some kind of test? Is Miyoshi as interested in him as he's interested in Miyoshi?

"Wondering about what could have happened is pointless."

"Indeed."

"But..." There seems to be a chance, so Sakuma takes it before Miyoshi changes his mind. "I could accept one drink. Tonight."

Not here, he doesn't add, although he's too aware of the many bottles of sake and foreign alcohol in the cupboard. He doesn't mention the others, either.

Miyoshi laughs softly, glancing at him from underneath his eyelashes, almost coy.

"Are you asking me to invite you tonight?"

This time is obvious: Miyoshi's teasing him, pushing him to admit an interest Sakuma doesn't want to voice even if he isn't unwilling to act on it.

"You know what I mean."

"So even the direct Sakuma-san is gone." Miyoshi stands up, pushing his chair without making any noise, but he doesn't leave yet. "You may want to work on your subtlety if that's what you're going to try, though."

That's a _yes_.

"You aren't being subtle right now." Sakuma imitates Miyoshi, holding his stare without feeling any shame.

"There are times a direct approach works well," says Miyoshi, shrugging as he walks towards the door.

They leave the Greater East Asia Cultural Society building a few minutes later, hats obscuring their faces and elbows brushing as they walk through narrow streets and talk in lowered voices.

It feels right, even if Miyoshi can't been called nice and Sakuma can't say he likes him.

And after this, when the time to say goodbye arrives, Sakuma knows he'll be able to leave without regrets.


End file.
